Why is it that I am expected to accomodate everyone and everything, when the opposite is not to be expected, and I feel that it is an overbearing double standard that I as an individual am problematic, I am not problematic, I alas am not tollerant of ignorance, it simple pisses me off.

And whildst I say this blatlantly I refuse to be made a mockery of at the viewing pleasure of others.

Why is it that I am not permitted the same level of respect of everyone else while I am assumed to give it to people when it is not deserved. I am not, under any circumstances going to be expected to give people the honor of being respected by me if it is not earned.

Because that is how it works. Respected it not something that is provided to people as if it were some privilage, it is something that is given out in the hopes that it will be recieved in the same manner, if not it is of only slight consiqence in the according situation and an individual can leave holding their head high.

But it seems that I am not graced by those situations, it seems that I am graced by something else alot more overbearing! I am to give it at all times of the day and night only to be walked all over like some overbearing joke of nature.

I am reason to believe that I am blowing this out of proportion but it is just the matter of the fact that furiates me to no end.

I refuse to be the grunt of peoples excuses as to why their lives can not be peaceful, or why it seems that I am always seeming to get into scuffles with other people.

Principle means something to mean that will not mean much to others only if it suits them at any particular status in their lives, or even their days.

All in all I am just an angry person that does not like getting pissed off, is that such a difficult concept for people to understand?

What am I going to do with myself, there are so many things that have gone on, and at the same time so little. Do I even know what I am doing anymore these days? Better yet do I even know what I really want.

I have a nasty little habit of playing with peoples minds like dough, and I never feel the worse about it. I would think that I would, but I don't and I feel that I am giving off the wrong impression about these things, just for the sake of entertaining the idea of having someone special in my life, although I have repeatedly told myself that the idea of someone else really does not pose any intrest to me in the least?

Maybe it is the illusion of a bond with somone else, someone that you can say matters to you, when in fact they mean everything to you.

And perhaps they always will......

I have no idea why I am so very attached to the idea of that one boy....perhaps is it not that I am completely obessed with him because this has never happened before, I know who I am, and how bad he is for me....

I think that my head can't let him completely go because I have not found anyone I really want to replace him, and what he made me feel

In the last few weeks I have not really thought about him, just the sex, and the cute things we did together, slowly his face is becomming a blur in my head, and I can't remeber the way her smelled, or exactally the way his hands looked, or even really the sound of his voice............

But I can't forget his touch, or the way his lips felt pressed up against mine, or the way he held me......

It is all burned into my memory, and it seems that once I completely forget him and erase him from my feeling and my thoughts, it seems that he magically pops up again, like a bad habit.

I want to have that same passion I had before, again, I want to have someone new, and worth while

I don't want to go through the trouble of being with him again, I know that, and I am positive of these things. But I know that I want someone to make me feel that way again, I want the passion, and adoration of being loved again, or at the very least someone who will make me feel speical.

I am under no circumstances am I an ugly girl,  or even remotely unattractive.... I could even go so far as to say that I am kinda gorgeous, but it still seems that I can not find anyone, or better yet no one can find me....

I must be lost..............

I am comming into the last few days of school, 10 to be exact, and I feel that it is all comming to a close so quickly that I hardly know what I am going to do with myself. I feel that there is so much that I have accomplished, though at the same time I feel that there is just so much that I have failed at taking advantange of.

So that leaves the question of what; well, it is not all that many things when I truthfully put things into perspective, it is just small things of my lost opprotunities, and the many failed opprotunities.

I guess it is all the un-thefted kisses, or the forlorn homework assignments, and the many opprotunities to be out with friends, and just cut loose. (Granted I am very dilligent at making up for lost time)

There is just something in me that is telling me that I need to have, or do something before my time in highschool is up, somthing to remeber for the summer days to come. Although I hardly know what. I hardly know whether it is so steal the one kiss, or simply put my heart into something that I did not have faith in before.

I am pretty positive that I know what I would like to do, I am just wondering if I really should bother with going through it. I am stuck in some sort of time loop of that is really surrounding me, and what is really there.

But what is really there, I know that I have a nasty little habit of jumping to conclusions in my head, and another habit of second guessing myself before I even make my first move.

Something in me is telling me not to move at all, because it is questionably the safest place to ever be, but where will that leave me in the future, where will I go, or ever end up being if I never try to leap head first into the unknown, what ever that unknown may be.

If only there were some way to know where jumping headfirst would get me; even a glimpse to know what I was to expect from my actions will leave me.

So when given the opprotunity I tend to stress out about any and all things without much discrimination, and I hate to say it, but I am doing just that. Stressing out about all the things that are going wrong in my life, because nothing seems to be going right.

No some would say that I am severely overreacting, but in all actuality I am not, most of the time I have to say that I am mostly level headed, but it seems that I have found my boiling point.

If I were to simply say that I am just stressing about college, and all that it entails, I would have to say that I would be immature of me to say that there are not thousands of other people feeling the same way as me.

(So we all say 'man up')

Then if I were to say that I have to choose between the only family that I have to decide as to whom is, or is not going to my graduation I would have to figure that I have no real say in the matter. Even though I want both of my parents of get off the high horses and deal with eachother for a simple two hours so that I can just get along with the rest of my life, even though I am playing both sides of the field.

(So boo-hoo to me if it all blows up in my face, which there is a severe likelyhood that it will)

But that would leave the issue of what am I doing to make sure that I even get my diploma, I have become very lax in my studies and my desire to even pursue an education, what ever it may be of course. I need to make time to do what is left of my work, but it seems that I always have something that I need to be doing, but most of the time it is just that I am working doing other things.

(How wonderful for me, but that just means that I have to organize my time better because I fail at doing it otherwise.)

Though if that were the least of my issues, I would be just dandy, my problem is that I have more problems than just that. I always have to deal with so many things, and accordingly I have to 'grow up' and learn to deal with these things as an adult. The only problem that I have with all of this is that I am not an adult and I hate being told that I am a child. I have been forced to grow up in a society that does not permit me to ever be my own age and make the mistakes, or accomplishments of my generation.

I really want to say that my life is just not fail, and that I am being put at a disadvantage for all of these things, simply because I am the child of a divorced family, but I have to be realistic about these things and understand that I really can not spend my life playing that stupid little card everytime that I an issue that I can not logically see my way out of, for any and all reasons that may come time mind.

Truthfully I want to break down and see where it leaves me in this place that I call a reality. I need to know that I am given so way out in all the situations that have thrown me into a three dimensional cell, because that is what I am living in right now, a proficient laser barred cell that there is no key to.

The only thing that I am forced to really wonder is who put me in here. Was it of my own stupid volition so time between the millions of opprotunities that I have ranted my a course through my thoughts. Or is it something that has been something manyfactured by my disfunctional life, with a complementing sticker on it that proclaims *Made in China*

I am personally going to agree with the labeling. It seems so much more vibrant than the pessismist point of view that I am offering myself.

Isn't That Such A Fun Thought!

So much has changed in the recent months, and as such I am sometimes at a loss to understand where I am going in the world. Where I am going, it is such an enigma, but it seems that I can not escape it.

In the recent days it seems that I have changed, and remade my mind so often that it almost seems stupid to do otherwise. It is strange though, I want to be happy, but at the same time is seems almost impossible to find what truly is going to make me happy.

What is happiness, but a state of elation that purely resides in your mind?

Do I want to be happy at all? Well I would have to say yes, everyone wants to be happy, it is just one of those things that everyone wants. And I am going to want it as well.

It is strange how I just referred to happiness, in the future tense, it is me, or am I trying to tell myself that I am not happy right now. Christ! I am complicated. There is so much that want to say at times, but it seems that more often than not I do not have the works to say them.

Like with things in my relationships with friends, and family...and people more than that.

Within my present, past, and future I have known all three, and it seems that I have not really learned from my past mistakes. I know that I can not change everything that has happened, or anything that may happen, but who am I to not wish otherwise.

I could honestly scream in fustration about how sopradic my thoughts have become in the recent weeks, I can hardly look at something without seeming to have a blank thought of some sort. I it is starting to get a little much even for me.

So I suppose that now would be a good a time as any to bid you all adieu and go one about the days of my life......

Complicated, or not.

So figure this, (all of my personal thoughts have started with "figure this")....anyways. I has come to my attention that alot of things have changed in the recent months when it comes to me. It is weird to think of how many things have changed, and well how poeple have changed along with it.

For instance. I hate using him as an example, but Chris. He is a prime example, he has changed so much and it hurts me some time to lok at the person that he has become. Who has be become is my real question, and I have to wonder if he sees that person eating away at everything that I believed to have known in him. (Well, at least to the person that I see in him now)

Even though I could go on and on about how much he has changed I really am led to believe that it is simply not worth it, to sit and simply mourn the loss of someone I have really cared about over the many months. And I know that I will miss him, alot.

So now that I am attempting to turn over this leaf of mine, it has come to my attention that the world is not revolving in all  that much pressure in my life. It is more along the lines of a continous distracting cycle that I really have dug myself into. I know that it sounds like nonsense, and it probably does, but all the same it still manages to make some sense in my head. So give me the benefit of the doubt here.

What I mean with my life is that the world is changing around me, and it seem that I am not having all that much diffuculty keeping up with it for a change. I know that I am behind in the rat race that I call life, but at the same time it is not that I am falling behind right now. It is more along the lines of me keeping up with a pace that I have set. And I suppose that I am strangely pleased with it. (knock on wood)

Of course, now that I have pointed it out I know that my life is going to go swirling down the drain.

*but now I am getting off to help my slow friend with her homework....she is so speical ed!*

What am I to say for the hundreth time in my life when it comes to this boy, (yes, I said boy) at one point or another I have to say that he is infuriating me and well, there is nothing that I can do about it. I blatanly refuse to be that "girl" that is always around "him" and has nothing else better to do with their time. Because I do, I have to learn to put my foot down and not be so fucking accomodating.

And I know that there are more choice words than accomodating, but I am not going to go to that level and admit to it. That in itself would make me patheic, even compared to "Welches"

At times I think that I am asking for too much, and then the other half of the time I am more than positive that I am not asking for enough out of this boy.

I am such a girl and I know that I constantly let him take advantage of that. The worst thing is that I used to be so on top of this guy and I would never have to ever deal with anything when it came to him. I got what I wanted, when I wanted it, and there were not many questions.

Now I am  in this bizzare boundary where I am awsome to have eveywhere else, but in public. I like the public, I like letting the world know that I am not easy and that it is simply a privilage to be in my company, I know that I would be blowing things out of proportion but I really don't care. I am no one's fuck buddy unless I say so, and I am not going to get played by anyone.

Not in this day and age. And certainly not by somone that I have taken back.

 

So it is nothing new, that I have something to say, something that oddly means alot to me. Not that it really matters either way. I have got to say that I am back in the bubble of personality and care and various other comforts know as Chris. Now don't get me wrong. I know that I am jumping the gun severly here, but can not really help it all that much. Bad habit I suppose I really have hard time helping many, if not all of my habits.

 

Not that is would matter to me either way.  I am the biggest sucker for the illusion of love in this world but it does not keep me from loving that boy in the same way that I always will....

 

And we all know why...

 

It is only because that I am in love with him and I am admitting that to myself....

No one else, not even him. at least not just yet.

I must say that I am an odd person to know. I kinda have gotten myself into an odd situation. Well less odd than stupid I would imagine. It goes without saying that I have done some things that I may or may not be proud of at this point. I have gotten back with Gallina, an oaf of a boy and a ditz of a boyfriend. But alas I am still with him regardless of the fact we broke up last year 4 days b4 our anniversary of 6 months, and 8 months later we are back on track (well sorta).

I am really worried for him it is hard to think of what he is doing right now but that is not what I my biggest concern is, it actually is the fact that all of my calls to him are going to voice mail and truth be told I hardly know what to do about it anymore. He is becomming so withdrawn in everything, and it worries me. At times I really wonder what he meds are doing to him. I really think that it is fucking with his head and as a result he is getting more depressed than I thought that he was going to be. Not to say that I expected him to be depressed or anything, but it is in his nature. alot of things are.  I can not help but wonder what am I capable of doing in order to help him. Or if I can help him at all. Though for as much as I wish that I could tell somone, anyone this it seems that there is nothing that I can do.

I can not change him, but at the same time I can. My only issue is that I can only help those that are willing to help themselves.

It is weird though. The first time that we had sex after getting back together felt so right, and then he proposed to me. I thought not to take him serously, but it seems that he was serious. In a sense I thought that could I ever marry him, a serious part of me said yes, and another part of me said no. It said no because he has a hard time living the life that he has, and the drugs could be too much.

But at the end of the day I still said yes,  how lucky  am I, engaged at 17. Ha, so much for that idea. but at the same time I wonder what he has burried himself into this time,and if there is anyone in this world that will be able to get him out. Even more so if there is anyway to get him out.

I love him not, and I loved him then but what will i do now!?

   So today is pep rally and I have alot to show for it. I like these days because it is colorful, and it adds a little jazz to our bland color scheme that I would have to define as our uniform. Yes, it is true the the whole 'private school' scene kinda revolves around the ideology of having to wear one specific color scheme I still like to make it mine in my own way.

   The school colors are green and white which is wonderful because I usually only have the attention span to coordinate one color, and thankfully that one color is green, and it goes without saying that I am a fiend with the color green. It rocks my socks!

   So the more green the merrier and that is all that I have to say about that. Though on the other hand I must admit that I am compelled to notice that life is good, and on my other blog I am happy to notice that I am living a good life which includes a fat pay check and even more things to do with my spare time. I know that I am a little lacking in the boyfriend department, but even so I still kinda don't want another one. I have so many guys throwing themselves at me, and as such I don't know what to do with myself at times, because I am really not into the whole relationship bit. And I know that I am not into the whole 'sex' bit (unlike some people I know)  I think that I am in the middle. An undefined medium of sorts.

    So this brings me to my original delimma; I want a boyfriend, but I do not want one. I want someone to give me the attention that I seem to want, though at the same time I am not willing to sacrafice my integrity for it. I am perfectly happy waiting for an opprotunity to present itself when I know that I am due for it.  I am not so far gone that I have lost touch with myself when to comes to self control in these situations. And thankfully I know where to draw the line when it comes to my sexuality.

   And this brings us to the topic that I have been waiting for ladies and gentleman. Teenage promuscuity, now I know that for some females this topic has alot of people sweating like whores in church, but it is a necessary evil in my world and must be dealt with accordingly.

   I can say that I am as far as being promuscious than most people would like to admit but I take pride in the fact that I can control myself and my desire to be with other people. I know that I have been raised to believe that my body is a temple and as such I know that is how I want other people to see me. But in this day and age a female's body is used as a bargining chip in relationships, or lack there of.

And that of all things truly discusts me for so many reasons, I can hardly stand to describe them.

All the same that is that and there is not much I can say about it. I like who I am and what I represent for myself. And if others can not appreciate that, it will be their problem.

Amen, and Amen