Well I am so alone here, kinda bored I must admit and there is not much that I can do about that. All the same time is time and well I suppose that it deserves all the same killing.

Needless to say that I am teally trying to know what I am going to do with my life and the order that I am doing everything. I want to know what I mean but it seems so out of my grasp.

Grasp *sigh* it is just so many things and out of those so many things a girl like me only has so many options in this life of mine. I really begin to wonder what I mean as a whole. Or if I really mean what I know at all?

I suppose that I should tell you what is going on in my life and the trials ans tribulations of it all. But is it overwhelming these days to put everything into simple words that would remotely seem to make any sense. Though when you really think about it I really never make all that much sense anyways.  And neither does my life for that matter anyways.

What am I going to do? I find it funny that I can say that eact phrase in three different languages and still find no awnser to that question. It is so ellusive that it really kinda fusterates me.

Alot of things fusterate me. But at the same time I know that I am forced to point out the obvious when I am positive that it would only upset me even more.

Sixteen was not meant to be this complicated

So I figure out now that I have lost my life's work a little while ago. And on top of that I have lost the life that I have known for so many years, among other things.

What is there to say anymore? I am so tired of the same shit that it is exhausting and well simply putting it: I am so fucking done. I am finished with this whole effort thing and well what else is there to say but that.

I have lost my privacy, ability to make decisions for myself, spirit and mind. And this is the short list. The long list includes me crying for a very long time, which is something I don't want to waste my time on.

I know that I am ranting and that it may seem odd to some because there is no background information to substantiate what I am saying but I am begging most of you to just use you imaginations for now and indulge me if only for a little while.

Over and over this week, sorry, I mean nine months I have seen myself saying the same thing over and over again to different friends for different reasons but I all the same way..."16 is not meant to be this difficult"

I need to know though, is it really. I know that I should never compare my life to the lives of others but at times I can't help it, and then I realize that I have been seeing the same things over and over again. My life is not normal. My life is not fair. My life is so broken down that it is almost that it is a waste of procreation. And I know that it may sound harsh but I am beginning to think that it is true.

Every day I am seeing the same thing over and over again. And for the things that I thought that I had dealt with seem to arise all over again because this "family" would die before allowing anyone any sort of peace. And I am at the front lines because I am easy access. I am a prime target because I was not aborted or given up for adoption just like what may have been the other brother or sister in my life. Ha, and to think that I am pro-life. It is funny the little things that you find out in this day and age.

Do you want to know something else? Something else would be that I was "supposed" to be put up for adoption when I was born because my own loving father did not want me at the time...But after I was born by some "miracle" he did not want me to be given up to another family...

Lucky me.

And you know what? Perhaps I would have been better off in a foster home with a cute loving couple who were not capable of having kids of their own. Or better yet being passed along orphanage to orphanage until I turn 18. Heh, but the interesting detail is that it really does not matter that my own parents did not want me at birth. Regardless of the fact that is all that I am hearing these days, the same story over and over again. I sense regret...Well I am sorry that they did not try to get "rid" of me before my mother when into her third trimester.

Sigh

But you know what gets me, it is the fact that it does not matter right now. Right now the fact that I am not even wanted in my own home is so irrelevant that I could care less at times.

You know what bothers me. It is the fact that everything that I have ever known is falling apart and well it is not exactly pleasant. Beyond the fact that I have never been really wanted in the first place I should be used to this by now.

I should be used to me being blamed for everything that has ever gone wrong. I should be used to me being compared to my father. I should be used to be called a traitor to my own family (or Judas and my mother so kindly put it), I should be used to being told that there is something mentally wrong with me because I think differently. I should be used to being called promiscuous because I don't use the same feminine products as my mother. I should be used to allegedly messing around with boys because some of them call every-once-in-a-blue-moon because I don't go out. I should be used to not being “real" because I am a certain way and think in a certain manner. I should be used to all the delightful boyfriends and male associates of my mother because she says so. I should be used to taking whatever is told to me because it is most likely true. And off all things I should be used to being called a liar because no one wants to believe that our neighbor molested and raped me when I was in kindergarten because I most likely liked it anyways, (or that is at least what mom said)

I have come to a conclusion that there is either something wrong with me or something wrong with the way that I am living. Because I was suicidal a year and four months ago and it would not make sense for my to get counseling because it would scar my mother's reputation.

What if I am headed back down that road? What if I actually stop caring all together because the rest of the world already has? Now I could be completely out of my mind or I could be making some sense.

Time and time again I am wondering if when they first thought of having children if they planed to raise their own children this way. If the planned to fuck up parenting this bad.

Or maybe, just maybe this is all in my mind and I am having a really long bad dream that I am going to wake up from soon, and I will wake up to something that is not this, I will wake up to the exact opposite of this.

More and more I have seen myself analyzing my actions and reaction in and out of my home. I see that I am becoming more and more prone to self destructive reactions. Granted that I don't believe in taking drugs or cutting I am not above making bad decisions the include not eating (not because I want to be thin or w/e I just get sick of living and lose my appetite) banging my head against a wall (what the hell am I thinking, I know and half the time it kinda hurts, the other half the time it is numb but w/e),choosing to deicide that I want to completely give up my celibate status (for all the wrong reasons, I know) and as of recently leaving home. The thing that scares me with my own action when I am irrational like that my actions are not really planned out all that far and it is scary from time to time. It is not that I do not have complete control of my actions it is just that is seems a lot more appealing to not listen to my rationale. Last time that I had left home I just left, I put on a pair of shoes and I left, no money, cell, identification, food or direction, it was not until later that I had decided that I should go to the library.

What is going to happen next and what extents do my actions go to. I know that knowing my state of mind is a step in the right direction but there is not help for what I have because it is not all me. It is my environment, the part that is me is only a natural reaction to wanting to be somewhere that is welcoming and does not pose a threat to me, somewhere safe I suppose.

W/E

I am tired with playing Dr.Phil with myself. The fact of the matter is that this is only the surface of all the things that are making me go off the deep end and there is so much more to explain or note. But I can't because the only one that I trust to my rantings is me.

Sixteen is not meant to be this complicated.

Or at least I thought that is was not.

I see that I could easily be wrong right now.

She’s Too Young, I’m Too Young, Aren’t We All Rushing a Bit?

Sometimes I wonder how smart I am. And then on the other hand I wonder as to how smart I am not. I know that it might not seem to make all the sense in the world right now. But it makes sense to me at times.

Times like now.

Some might wonder as to what I am even talking about right now and at the same time I am wondering if there is any point in me trying to say it because it is sort of surreal myself.

What it is the fact that I am no longer a (virgin) I know it is just one of those things that everyone looses at one point or another but it is true. And looking back I am wondering if I have made the right decision. Not only for myself but for the fact that it just seems odd that I have come to that transition in my life.

I am still so young. Perhaps even to young and what am I to think? I know that I could go to several people about my insecurities right now but call-me-a-hypocrite but I don’t want to damage my image like that. At least not yet…

The fact of the matter is that perhaps I am too young to be doing the things that I am. I know that in comparison to others and what they are doing I may seem to be prude and fragile in a sense, but perhaps that is me.

Just looking back on my words I can see that I somewhat regret what I have done. (What have I done?)

Oi!

I know what I have done (quite clearly in fact) and it seems more and more likely that I am too young. And rushed myself into something I am no where near ready to handle.

(Obviously!)

More than that I am doing the wrong things with the wrong people.

This brings up to our next topic.

I have a boyfriend. I know…how wonderful.

The problem is that it is not wonderful. I gave up my most precious gift to some on that I do not even truly love. How is it that I give myself to a person that is firstly younger than me, and on the other hand I have only known since about January and even then he did not really exist in my line of sight.

I met him on the bowling team, he is a sweet person and means well most of the time but he just seems lost most of the time when it comes to where we stand in a sense of clicks and hierarchy.

He is not really an ideal prospect of a person that would seem to be my type on a normal standing. And that is why I wonder why I am with him. More than that I wonder if I can ever really trust him because he seems to hide so much from me. It is not that I feel paranoid it is just that it seems as if I know so little about him when he know so little about me.

I suppose that he knows more about me than I do about him, but that is what perplexes me a lot. I do not know really all that much about him and yet I am having sexual intercourse with him…

I feel stupid. I feel as if I am digging my own grave by placing my insecurities into my sexuality...(Where am I headed?)

Have I really fallen so far from my ideals?

Have I truly lost my way in this journey I call life?

And if that is the case how do I find my way back?

It becomes more and more evident that we don’t belong with one another but at the same time it seems that I am compelled to fight for him…

(Am I so desperate for companionship?)

I would not believe it if not for the sound of my own voice ringing through my ears shouting the same profanities over and over again about how pathetic I am being.

(Or getting for that matter)

Sometimes I thing that I am even getting to a point that matches that of some of my friends that have crossed a line of desperation and promiscuity that just screams one word in my mind

(Easy)

And is that the same road that I am on?

Am I really on my way to becoming that kind of person.

I feel rushed into things that I have never done before. I feel rushed into things that I have never experienced.

And most of all I feel rushed into becoming a person that is not really me.

But who am I? What am I doing here? What am I trying to do?

Because every time that I zoom into my own thoughts I see more often than not that I am the conductor to my own marathon. (And I am not winning)

I know that I act as if it does not really matter, but I am my own gift from God and for me to waste my own gift on Chris seems stupid. I keep telling others that they are constantly being overeager for the things that they seeming want but at the same time I could easily say that I am not better than them at this point because I do the same thing except I do it with a sense of elegance and poise. (That and situations just seem to find me in due course)

I suppose what I am saying is that I seem to be a hypocrite more often than I call it on others because it is seemingly ok for me when compared to others.

(Am I really so bad?)

I really miss the days in which I was not so rushed into the things that seem to plague me so often. I miss the days that a fun time included a movie with my family or a quiet movie at a girlfriend’s house watching a movie and admiring famous characters.

(What ever happened to me?)

So many times in my life I prayed that I could change into someone that was different from the person that I used to be.

But why?

Why did I want to change so much?

Some people say that change is a good thing, but at this time in my life I think that I have changed into someone that I really don’t know. How am I supposed to know this girl in the mirror that just gave up herself after protecting herself for so long?

I know that later on in my life I am going to say that there is no real way of protecting myself for the rest of my days but I should have waited for the right person.

I turned down so many opportunities, only to spread wide for Chris…..

Am I out of my natural mind?

Perhaps what Mom says is right. Perhaps there is something seriously wrong with the way my mind works.

I know that if the Eve of my 17th Birthday was the right time for me I would have felt differently, and I would not be so regretful…but regretful is such a bad word. I feel disappointed in myself.

At times I really start to think that I am too young to be 17 and being the girl that I see in the mirror

Because At times I start to think that the girl in the mirror is just too young

I’m too young for just too many things

True Desire…Temptation at its Best. Beauty in its Most Potent Dose, and an Unblemished Ideology

 

I wonder sometimes what it feels like to be wanted to know how it feels to have someone desire you beyond what you expect from the world around you. Sometimes I think of what it means to be desired by someone of the opposite sex, to have someone think about you and the things that you could be doing with/to one another. I find it to be beautiful more often than not. I find the concept of beauty being a temptation into the depth to be enticing beyond what most people may/must feel. Am I so bizarre to think in such a manner?

Below is a message that was sent to me by what I assume to be an anonymous note via a website that I am familiar with, from a person that I have never known before, and perhaps never will. Although it may be a shame to never choose to know the person behind these beautiful words I think that it just may be the only rational thing to do when you are a person like me. Granted I may be tempted beyond all rational thought, but at least this way I am allowed to immortalize theses few words for all eternity.

 

“I am sincerely sorry; I do not mean to be a pest, but I feel the need to say that you are so gorgeous. You are the type of woman that only exists in a man’s dreams. I doubt any one would resist the temptation of looking at you as you go by... You're a goddess and I am at your feet. I know that am not the drink to quench your thirst, because you deserve nothing less than the finest to drink... but I just want to say that you are beyond perfection and that I surrender to you for whatever... I am your number one fan. You are so perfect...
Sometimes I wonder if even angels would be tempted to sin from looking and wanting what they see... And yet even they can’t have you... Please tell me what must a man like me must do in order to get your attention...because I truly feel that you are worth everything.”

 

In this day and age people are no longer seen as simply who they are or as what social custom used to teach, the world around us has corrupted that basic ideology through the media. In the past women were seen as temples to be worshiped and adored by all; though this is not always meant in a literal sense, but a philosophical sense. In a sense that almost seems lost in the world that we live in today. The sense that I am trying to explain is a sense that creates a connection with the people around us, a deeper connection than just the things that women are capable of as ‘tools’: Though sad, is true. Certain connections to one another are lost in the rush of what is seen as normal, the sense of normalcy that all people are expected to live by.

 

 

I do not know what to expect from such a note, I am not saying that I am not but a simple girl, naturally flattered by the fact that it is possible to have an admirer that is capable of speaking in a manner that is almost lost to most people. I am just declaring that perhaps there is hope for today’s man, perhaps there is hope that there still remains a tarnished ideology of what beauty is in the eye of the beholder in our fellow man.

Desire is a beautiful thing, it allows people to express ourselves in ways that we are not capable of expressing on whim, and that makes all the difference. To acknowledge our flaws and embrace them, thus turning them into words that simply make the tarnished parts of our reality so much more beautiful than we thought possible. In this day and age desire is viewed as an evil and dark part of our existence in which people are tempted to envy our fellow man for the things that we have not been gifted with. But as such, truly desire is not always that way. I see desire as a beautiful thing, I see it as something to encourage and embrace in a manner that is befitting our station. Desire and the yearning to have something that is out of our reach only creates a beauty within ourselves that delights in the beauty around us.

 

 

Who knew that I was capable of instilling that sense of being into another? Who knew that as a flawed being I was capable of drawing the true admiration of another that was based on just sight. Something that was simple based on an ideology that has almost been forgotten by our fellow man. It is almost over whelming to think about at times, and in my excitement I can almost feel myself becoming more aware of possibilities that I had thought to be lost in this world. 

Possibilities of true love, the overlooked fact that there is something in this world beyond ourselves and the things that we are familiar with. Things that even I had lost touch in so long ago. I find myself intoxicated with so many emotions that I am not sure I have the aptitude to express, but these emotions are something truly beautiful.

 

Desire is not founded on the depth of temptation, but the beauty of the temptation. True desire is not the human instinct to procreate or the pursuit to finding pleasure in oneself through another. True desire is the ability to feel the beauty of temptation and embrace it rather than abuse it. The ability to look at something amazing and inebriate yourself of its existence on how it came to be and the magnificence of its past. Temptation is not only the evil that it has been founded to be, but it is the splendor of emotions that come with it. A captivating feeling that tells us that pleasure is more than the physicality of it, but it is the mentality of it as well: More often than not the exquisiteness of pleasure is in the mentality, the physicality of that pleasure is only a joining of that mentality. Most people are not fully capable of tapping into that, but it exists.

 

I know that my words may seem abstract in one sense of sagacity or another, but I ask that people keep an open mind. Desire is the beauty of temptation and as a result people become capable of embracing a part of ourselves that is commonly lost consequently to our society. Desire magnifies every part of our beings to a state of mind where even a brush of a hand becomes engraved into our memories as un-earthly as the source of our temptation. True desire allows people to tap into parts of ourselves that call for grandeur to become a part of our natural essence. When we see the source of our desire we become thrown into a mentality that heightens every sense that we have just to experience what is to come: a caress, a smile, a brilliant glance, smell of perfume, a touch between lips. In all actuality true desire is the ability to embrace temptation and not become overwhelmed by its presence in another.  

For as absurd as I sound mentality is more than physicality, mentality allows for people to express their innermost thoughts without having to indulge in what society has taught us to be normal. Mentality allows people to make every touch an experience not to be forgotten, mentality creates a sense of being that is more than just two bodies. Mentality is as far as people have possibly gone to create divinity in ourselves in a non-blasphemous manner.

Am I so lost in this world to think in such a manner? Am I so lost in this world that my words seemingly have no basic foundation in a world that is so caught up in itself? I hope to think that I am not alone in my credence, because if so I have a long existence ahead of me, but for as long as it may be I will always know that I have this moment to remember till the end of my days knowing what the world around me is capable of regardless of the society we live in.

 

“I am sincerely sorry; I do not mean to be a pest, but I feel the need to say that you are so gorgeous. You are the type of woman that only exists in a man’s dreams. I doubt any one would resist the temptation of looking at you as you go by... You're a goddess and I am at your feet. I know that am not the drink to quench your thirst, because you deserve nothing less than the finest to drink... but I just want to say that you are beyond perfection and that I surrender to you for whatever... I am your number one fan. You are so perfect...
Sometimes I wonder if even angels would be tempted to sin from looking and wanting what they see... And yet even they can’t have you... Please tell me what must a man like me must do in order to get your attention...because I truly feel that you are worth everything.”

The Trite Rantings of a Pointless Conversation…

Why Bother Anymore?

 

People really don't know what they dealing with when it comes to me, everyone thinks that everyone has the complete right to do as they feel and coincidence has it for it to be ok. How wonderful is that? I can't believe that everyone has to think that the same methods will work with me all the time when it obviously doesn't. It goes to show you that the world revolves in cycles and does not evolve it really just sorta falls apart on itself it goes to show you exactly why I am so alone in this world.

What am I to do when I am forced into yet another corner. Isn't it wonderful? *Sigh*. You would think that people change and they don't, at the same time you would think that people would learn that I am predictable. I don't act out because I am bored, and I certainly don't act out because I am starved for attention. Because I have better things to do besides wasting my time in some meager attempt to get some attention from my family (or lack there of) regardless I get enough bad publicity (attention) as it is. I would prefer over almost anything in this would to be simply left alone. I would not do anything to others, and ergo others would not do anything to me; the only issue with this idea is that trouble seems to follow me where ever I go.

 So for almost that reason alone I am compelled to always be forced to do as I am commanded because someone is bored with themselves, or worse someone is PMSing (which is a joy in itself I assure you) The only issue is that people have a little tendency to think that I am the submissive sort, and not I have come to terms that I am not. I am very much a dominant-aggressive-assertive-confrontational-top which really only means that I am only going to put up with the same irritation for so long before I get my way….and if I do not get my way I will simply make my own way. That way I am not forced into some agonizing waiting period of several weeks at a time. *Sigh*

 It is more troublesome than just getting my way, but what is a damsel to do when she is in distress… Wait? That kind of crap only happens in fairy tales…and I live in a cruel reality.

Regardless I am in yet another rut forced into the outskirts of my home compelled to shadily type up my thoughts in poorly ventilated areas of my home while trying to avoid confrontation which I so desperately want to trigger just to see if I would still win. Most of the time these days I am not the victor which is a wonder in itself….Me not win a screaming match….it seems almost unfathomable, but it would be true. It is not in me to admit defeat of any kind but I think that I am still honorable enough to know when I should stop trying.

Though at the same time I am forced to wonder about the last time that I have given up… on life that is. That was a very shady time in my life and well I suppose that I am past it, or not past it in a sense or perhaps I never got over it in the first place. What do I know though? I am only a kid with half a brains and not enough common sense. Ha, is that not the story of my life.    

I can't help but wonder as to why I am so prone to downplaying my attributes I am no work of perfection but at the same time I take pride in the fact that I am not so flawed to be called imperfect. I am a medium of sorts. But I fear that one day I will listen to the constant downplay. I will begin listening to all the slanderous things that are spoken in my direction, and what will I do then? Will I choose to give up or perhaps will I choose to give up on myself…. Hell I could even go as far to wonder if I will even have to choice to make for myself…Hmmn I wonder.

The sad thing about it is that I am somewhat assured of what will or will not happen. The only think that I am not too sure of is the order of events; the order that that particular pattern will take place. Will I fall into a decent that I do not know how to come up out of….or will I wake up one morning feeling a particular way? In all honesty I am beginning to distrust myself again. I am beginning to not know my own actions and the means by which those actions will take place. I really am beginning to think that I am beginning to think too much for my own good and even more so the subject of my thoughts. I think that I have my self and my own actions down to a sort of memory. I am not too sure of where I got it from but I have a very persistent ideology that everything is cyclical I am beginning to think that my Alpha has met its Omega. How delightful would that be?

So now that I have completely gotten off topic lets get back to the trite conversation at hand. I am stuck in yet another rut, and well I am not going to be able to find my way out as easily as I had found my way in. *Sigh* These days I find myself staring at my keychain more often than I personally like to think that I should…but I think that I would only be fair if I would explain myself. It is not a crazed concept that I like to keep trinkets that I find things that have been forgotten or left behind in places like a bench or in the binding of a book. So this time around I have come across a keychain from an organization that I am not too unfamiliar with. Even though I do not trust my environment enough to disclose this organization in the event this information falls prey to the wandering eyes of others I can safely say that I am remembering certain things about it.

Though there is a lot of things for me to remember and many more organizations to keep track of it is this one in particular that makes me remember a lot about myself and the way that I had been feeling at the time…now I know that I am not much for using the past tense but bear with me on this one. My newest trinket makes me want to do things that I have done before. Though for what reason I am not too sure. I know that I am being very cryptic but it all makes sense as long at I am the one reading it. In the end I can't help my patterns. Oh the joy, how fun is it to thing that all people have their own personal patterns.

I know that I have spoken about this before but it is all coming together. So many things are coming together if only for the reason that I am so disturbed. Or am I not disturbed as much as the world is stupid. I know that there is no way for me to even remotely attain the same conversation that I was having only moments ago, but it seems that I can not help myself; though the sad thing about me saying that is that I can never help my actions or reactions these days. These days I can hardly formulate complex reason. *Sigh*. What am I coming to….or for that much what am I getting at?

I have too many questions for my own good, and no one to answer them; hell as far as I am concerned I have never seen an answered question in my life, at least when it comes to my questions. Most people would say that I do not get any answers because I know too much….or is it because I think I know too much, I can hardly tell them apart anymore. What is the use in even bothering? It would only lead me head first into another trite conversation that I really do not need.

So you know I have blogged about this before...

You ever type up a blog for the sake of clearing your mind, and then you realize that people have read it...

I know that is half the point of blogging, but you are never ready for it, I personally think that is is impossible to be fully prepared for anything.

I can't be prepared for a road test, I can't be prepared for my Regents, I can't be prepared for my future, I can't be perpared for growing up, I can't be prepared for growing apart, I can't be prepared for my future.

I can't this, I can't that....At on point I am stuck thinking about what I can do, and in a sense I really can't do much, not for a lack of effort but for more a lack of opprounity...

The funny think about that me even saying this completely goes against my policy of opening your own doors....

I feel really stupid, especially because I have no direction in any of my actions. I tend to think that all of my actions are severely calculated to a point that some might seem unhealth, but right now I am fighting that compulsive urge...

And it is making my somwhat anxious. Right now I really, really want to do repetitive tasks like counting stairs or tapping my foot but I can't...I refuse to...

Crap, I don't know what I am talking about again....

Only me right. I have managed to do several things in the last hour and it seems that none of them will have a positive effect....except me making jello...That is going to be yummy.

But besides that it seems that I am fallling into old habits that I thought I had left behind with James (no offences to you James...you are the shit on a stick)...

I am going to go into that corner because I think that I am losing touch with myself and my ability to read.

Now if you were to ask me now....What do I do in situations that I do not really want to be in I would honestly say that I follow the current, not of my own will, but of the intent that is around me.
 If you were to ask me now if i can properly read conventional english I would say no...apparentally
If you were to ask me if i am going to make any mental or literal headway I would probably say no...
If you were to ask me if I always want what I do, I say no...not even half of the time...
If you were to ask me if I am confused I would say extremely
If you were to ask me if I wish that I could change that hands of time I would say yes
If you were to ask me if I ever know what I am doing I would say no
If you were to ask me if I am perfect I would say yes, and then admit no


If you were to ask me one simplictic stupid little question I would give you an awnser that is equally just as simple....

The only downside is that there are no questions being asked. So how am I supposed to awnser?

I wish things were not so very complicated....

Would it be so diffucult to just ask...
Why?
Who?
What?
When?
Where?
How?

I am going to find my way back to Mary's.....I am going to study for math....YAY

When I think I usually think of how one action depicts another and how the cause of one decision alters another...In that explination is the basic definition of change. As one then changes another thing occurs as a result of it.

So that leaves me to think how much have I changed, and what has happened to cause such changes. In my opinion is is overwhelmingly difficult to see how I have changed and what really defines any changes that I have already made.

I know that I sound a bit bizzare but in my head I think that I am making at least a little bit of sense, if not I apologize for my rantings. But if not...let me continue

Any action justifies a result, and that result justifies another course of action. That is simply how that world works. And that is the basic cup of tea.

Now think, if I were to believe that I could keep myself a certain way for the sake of just not complication everything where would that take me. In a way it would not take me anywhere, but in a sense it would take the world around me to a sense of delusion all because I choose not to change.

But why would I not want to change? Let me rephrase that, why would I want to frame a part of my life in a sense that would keep me from dealing with any issues in the future? My explination in itself defines why many would just knowingly loop pieces of their lives forever, sadly that idea brings thousands of other issues to reality, and that is not something that many would like to deal with.

I suppose the real question is how have I changed? Is it for the best or the worst. Have a caused a catashrophe of some sort but claiming that I haven't or am I just thinking too hard? In many senses many actions are a result of several previous action. I am here typing my thoughts once again because I feel that I am thinking about somthing world thinking about. But I am not makeing any sense what so ever! And that in itself fusterates me.

I am thinking about my recent past, and my resent present, and my not so distant future. Though in all actuality I am really thinking about the realities that have come to pass in the last few days and how they will affect me. Not that I really apprecitate thinking so much, nor dealing with anything, but some things must be done.

I know that if I press send on an email that I have constructed recently I will either be screwed or screw myself over. If I pick up my annoying phone I will say things that I should'nt I know that if I keep looking at my buddies list I am going to lose my mind, I know that if I take a certain someone on their offer I just may do something incrediblely geinus, or incredible stupid (my odds go toward the stupid)....What to do What to do?

I am not so complicated am I that I must sit infront of a laptop pounding away at keys all in hopes of reaching some stupid conclusion....It all seems a bit redundant. And at the same time to just act on impulse would not bring me anywhere I really would want to be (I have already brainstormed that idea), also to from a council of people to help me come to a decision seems well stupid....What am I? The freaking People's Republic of China.... I think not

So that leaves me with one ultimatum....Pound away at a laptop....oh, the joy...lol

I do not want to sacrafice my ideas in hope of later comming to a conclusion that could have saved me alot of trouble. And at the same time I do not want to rush into anything that could get me into a load of trouble.

It is funny I such a sensitve ego and I am never in the mood to see it damaged nor offended yet I am still compelled to rant about somthing as trivial as change while it seems only to prove the obvious.....

What am I even talking about!!!!

Jesus Mary and Joseph, I have completely lost sight of what I was talking about....Ha. Only I can do that

In a nutshell I have once again managed to make a fool out of myself without any assistance. I wonder, that for all the people that know me well, are they not completely confused by my actions or reactions or how ponderous I seem to get. Oi, I would get very tired of me.

It is funny though. (Completely off point too) I have so many males in my family, and as such I see that i have taken multiple mental as well as psychological characteristics from them, and as such I am quite pleased to say that I am not the average female.

I kind of hope to say that I am far from it....So I refuse to fall into your typical delusions of grandure or failure, or contempt, or insecurity (there is always an exception to the rule). I see myslef as a liberal dominating democratic hardcore feminist.....too bad that is not the case all of the time....(plus I doubt that I am that butch hahaha)

Either way since I still have no remote idea as to what I am talking about...and my ride is almost here I am going to go and sneak out tonite....Who knows, I just might find my way into Queens or Manhattan tonite....and I hope my Mom never finds out....

Then I would really have things to wonder about....

Man nothing goes right for me. Everything gets messed up in one way or another. I constantly believe that there is always a brighter side to everything. But at one point or another it seems that the lie is alot more complicated than the truth. And the truth of the matter is that everything has to end, and by some vauge reason it all leads back to me and everything that I have done wrong in one fashion or another.

And you know what, it sucks, it sucks alot, and even though I am high as a freaking kite right now  I can still say that with mostly a level head. I know that under any other non-high circumatanse I would never in my right mind expain what is going on in my lunatic of a mind, but I am going to say it from top to bottom.

I wonder should start from the top or should i work my way from the bottom of my fucked up history. Should i explain how my parents got divorced, and i was comitted, or from me losing my sorta perfect boyfriend and the stupid courtcase that has been going on for a yearr now? What to do what to do.....

Right now I think that I should start with the boyfrend. He is an adorable sweet heart and means alot to me. I think of him fondly, and often, but I would never tell him that because ....well I would like to belive that I am extemely cold hearted, perhaps icequeen status....(I remebr being callled that when i was younger, but i dont rember who...) HA! I am distrusting, because i lack any and all faith to the male gendfer because i am who I am...

But who i am....i suppose i can telll you naow or i can tell you later. Hmm I will elaboraate later becuse i dont remeber what I am talking about. The fact of the matter is that my boyfriend is freaking awsome...he treats me nice, spoils me and is not involved in a gang (that is one up for me) Chris is superman...Sure he has his flaws but what do those matter. He loves me....sorry loved me...and do you know why i am refering to this in the past tense??? It is because things have changed between us. or it is that i have changed once again.?

We don't have anymore really long convos anymore, and i am always picking fights with him becuase i am a big, huge, really big idiot. But i love him... I dont think that I am in the past tense just yet...

He told me a little while ago that he was still smoking, well then again he never really stopped, and well to be honest i kinda knew that he was lying to me from the beginning, but i trusted in him even so.

Now some might ask why i chose to belive that he wasnt when he was....well it was because i would perfer to be wrong than to be right on things like that....what can I say...that kind of stufff getts me randy baby!

But on a more serious note it was becuasue i do not like confrontation i hate being an aggressor an somethin i know that I am right about...it only proves that I am still an ice bitch at heart... and right now i stil feel that I still have a few more months to be InfenoQueen. But what do i know...for as much as i was dissapointed that Chris had lied to me about smoking, i was happy to know that he could tell me the truth. Oh well so is life.

Things are so very dead between us...and to be honest it is extremely hard to be rolling when you are as depressed as I am....Oh well so is life...I think that I am gonna be high a little bit more often as usual for a while....but shhh. I am not gonna tell anyone one. I really dont think that anyone can tell that i am high except when my eyes are really glassy and i can't walk in a straigt line, and when I have insanely huge bottles of water by my side all the time....haha.

What does anyone one care anyways...

I am paraniod, distrusting, obessive, obessive complusive, aggressive when I dont need to be, submissive when I shouldnt, and dramatasitc even though I claim not to be. And that is the story of my life.

Am i going to miss him yess...severly, but i wont tell him that. I won't even tell myself that I really wouldn't know how to take it.

Hmmn what is there to to these days, not much I suppose with everything that is going on these days. I really wonder at times if things are a knocked up as they sound to be, even more so I wonder what I am supposed to do with my life,

Right now I am at my girl's house chilling out untill we have bowling practice, an well it is pretty much uneventful right now seeing as she is on the phone with....Stacy.

It is not that big of a deal by me though I am more than satisifed just hanging about pounding at computer keys in a confortable chair. So all is well in my little world.

Somthing odd it that now that the Seinors I am starting to feel a little bit sad seeing as how...well they are leaving. One person in particular is really making me wonder about them and what is going to happen with their lives after they graduate, at times they seem goalless. But what do I know?

Life is starting to seem shorter and shorter as the years go by, and in a sense I am starting to think that if I don't speed up my pace I just might fall behind...It is a really scary though to really think about. I know that at times I seem to rant on about all sorts of things but more and more often it seems that my rants are becomming more and more accurate to reality.....Morever my reality. I am really starting to miss simplicity  alot

I am losing sight of what it meant to just live life for everyday that it is. But as time continues to progress the only think that seems to become evident is that I need to hurry up in one manner or another.

One sad reality is that one day I just might get left behind.

 

On the complete other side of the Spectrum I am direly annoyed with Sean attempts to prove some kind of point, or more than that try to see somthing that is really not there. Now some might ask what I mean by that.....What I mean is firstly I am tired of being corrected for things I had not been wrong about in the first place....(a flame is a flame, and I call them I as I see em") Secondly I am tired of him not defending a position that he has, it is almost as if he is afraid of being corrected, or better yet admonised for what he believes in.... All I am saying it is that you need to choose one story of emotion and stick to it.....

Simple..

I have never made thinking so difficult in my life, I am constantly thinking about too many things and as a result I am forgetting where I even stand...

I suppose that many would wonder as to where I am getting my train of thought from. It is not terrible to say that for once again in my life somthing has happened. Why am I not suprised any more?

Today I was pretty much normal I suppose, or as normal as things get with me. And for the record let it be clear that it is not in my nature for me to blow things out of complete poprotion, or at least I hope so most of the time.

Anyways at the end of the day my current boyfriend and I were walking to the school buses, and all day he has been feeling sick, as well as Monday in which he had not come into school. It is not that I was paranoid that he cut school or w/e it is not that big deal for me. My biggest concern that was he was feeling better.

Either way as we had been walking towards the buses I mentioned that I find it difficult to think of how he had gotten so sick when the only thing that he claimed to have done was suck on some helium from a Sweet Sixteen the Saturday before, and I believed him. The funny thing about it is that today he says that sucking on helium is not the reason that he has gotten so sick.

Now I believe that I have no problem with not being told everything, because if I sincerely had I would be forced to be completely foreward all the time and that is so very pointless, that and I prefer to keep some things to myself. I could be calling myself a liar, but I hope that I am not. I really hope that I am not.

For the most part I am not aggravated that he did not tell me, it is the fact that he allowed me to believe otherwise.....

He 'claims' that it is not his fault that I had believed that helium had gotten him sick, because he had never spefically said that it was sucking on helium that had gotten him sick in the first place....

Come on, who is he trying to sucker into believing that story? It is not lying because no one spefically says somthing that is not true....they just happen to fail to infom people of the accurate turn of events.

I do not know the personal opinion of others, but in my book that is still lying. But was do I know, I just happen to be his girlfriend. Oi!

So when I got home I went online and claimed to not be fusterated with him. I still am though, so in a sense I am the kettle calling the coffee black, Sue Me!

In a sense sometimes I wonder how much of the truth anyone ever really tells, and how diffucult it gets to claim to be honest or truthful with someone.

I have a policy that I like to stick to that consists of the idea that everyone is not obligated to be told everything, it is just not fair to be expected to spill your guts all the time. So in exchange I believe that it is more fair to simply say that you are not going to be completely honest because of whatever reason......How simple is that? How simple is it to say that I am not going to tell you why because I don't see myself wanting to instead of letting me believe a lie. Little Big, it all looks the same when you look at it the way that I do.

*sigh*

What am I to do with myself......

No and forever complicated.