What am I going to do with myself, there are so many things that have gone on, and at the same time so little. Do I even know what I am doing anymore these days? Better yet do I even know what I really want.

I have a nasty little habit of playing with peoples minds like dough, and I never feel the worse about it. I would think that I would, but I don't and I feel that I am giving off the wrong impression about these things, just for the sake of entertaining the idea of having someone special in my life, although I have repeatedly told myself that the idea of someone else really does not pose any intrest to me in the least?

Maybe it is the illusion of a bond with somone else, someone that you can say matters to you, when in fact they mean everything to you.

And perhaps they always will......

I have no idea why I am so very attached to the idea of that one boy....perhaps is it not that I am completely obessed with him because this has never happened before, I know who I am, and how bad he is for me....

I think that my head can't let him completely go because I have not found anyone I really want to replace him, and what he made me feel

In the last few weeks I have not really thought about him, just the sex, and the cute things we did together, slowly his face is becomming a blur in my head, and I can't remeber the way her smelled, or exactally the way his hands looked, or even really the sound of his voice............

But I can't forget his touch, or the way his lips felt pressed up against mine, or the way he held me......

It is all burned into my memory, and it seems that once I completely forget him and erase him from my feeling and my thoughts, it seems that he magically pops up again, like a bad habit.

I want to have that same passion I had before, again, I want to have someone new, and worth while

I don't want to go through the trouble of being with him again, I know that, and I am positive of these things. But I know that I want someone to make me feel that way again, I want the passion, and adoration of being loved again, or at the very least someone who will make me feel speical.

I am under no circumstances am I an ugly girl,  or even remotely unattractive.... I could even go so far as to say that I am kinda gorgeous, but it still seems that I can not find anyone, or better yet no one can find me....

I must be lost..............